Reasons Why
by Yakushi-Hime
Summary: I don't expect this account to have much changed your opinion of me. But perhaps you will at least have a better understanding of WHY I did what I did..." Sasuke POV, no pairings, addressed to the reader. R


_A/N: So, after spending three hours or so writing this piece of junk, I debated for a while about whether it was actually worth posting. To be honest, I don't feel like it's my best work. I think it's a little bit boring and rambly. But, I've gotten several good reviews from posting it on deviantArt, which is rare, so I figured hey, why not? Maybe I'm NOT actually the only person who would find this interesting. So now that I've made you reconsider your decision to read this, let me give you a summary so you know what I mean._

_This fic is written as though a much older, humbler, and more mature Sasuke were looking back on his past and explaining in a letter what exactly was going on in his head during his departure from the Leaf Village and the events that led up to it. This letter is addressed to you, dear reader._

_There are no pairings, although words like "love" are used. If you wish, you may interpret this as romantic love...or as the love of a boy for his friends and comrades. It's sort of like canon Naruto, in that sense. You can read the pairings in there if you'd like to, but you can also choose to ignore them if you don't approve._

_In any case, I hope you'll enjoy my attempts at explaining the thoughts behind the actions of our beloved (or hated) Sasuke. I would really appreciate it if you'd leave me an opinion after finishing this. Even if it's a negative opinion, or even if it's a short one, I would appreciate hearing what you have to say. C:_

_And now, I'll let Sasuke speak for himself._

* * *

I never meant to hurt them.

There are those who will undoubtedly never understand why I did what I did. Many will hear my story, see the way my departure from the Leaf left my friends and teammates torn and broken, and assume I did so with utterly selfish motives, sparing not a thought for their well-being.

This is not the case.

I do not expect my name to be cleared of the sins that tarnish it. To be honest, I am not beyond reproach. There are things I regret...a great many things. Much of the reproach directed at me is well-deserved. Indeed, perhaps most. I am not trying to plead my innocence. Rather, I simply want to tell things from my perspective, to explain _why_ I did what I did. When you understand my reasons why, you can judge for yourself whether I was right or wrong; to this day, that very question plagues my conscience. But, for what it's worth, I will now relay to you – with all the honest and transparency I can muster – the motives behind my decision to seek out Orochimaru's instruction.

I will start by stating that it was not the spontaneous whim of a moment that led me to leave my home village, however things may seem. Indeed, there was a pivotal moment, an incident that determined my will in the matter – but that moment was preceded by a long period of contemplation and debate within myself. The idea that something had to change was not a new one, but had been sparked (or, more accurately, rekindled) some time before my actual departure.

Looking back, I think it's obvious that the first activation of the curse seal played a significant role in things. When I awoke from that awful dream (if it can be truly called that), only to be greeted by the sight of an unconscious Naruto and a beaten and bloodied Sakura, something within me just...snapped. It was just too familiar. Fresh in the wake of the effects of Orochimaru's seal, I could not help but think back to the brutal murder of my clan. Just like that horrible day, my precious people were once again in mortal danger...but unlike that day, this time I could do something about it.

I didn't realize until later that I'd seen Naruto and Sakura as precious people, then. I was too absorbed in the moment, intoxicated by the power that shot through me the second I gave in to my rage at those who would _dare_ harm those close to me. Once the flow of power began, I lost sight of my original goal. I had set out to protect my teammates...but I became consumed by the desire to bring pain and suffering to those scumbags from the Sound. It was an incredible feeling. I don't know if I can really describe to you what it's like to want something so _terribly much_...and then to suddenly see that ambition realized in a moment of power and rage. It was exhilarating...and frightening.

It was as though, in a moment, I became a completely different person.

The person I had longed to become.

And it scared me to death.

Sakura saw it, too, back then. She saw the darkness in my heart begin to take over. She saw me, in that moment, for the man I would become. And it changed her. There was always fear and sadness in her eyes when she would look at me, after that. I think she finally realized what I was beginning to come to terms with: that there was a force sleeping inside of me that wouldn't be denied, no matter what my better half tried to do to stop it. But _she_ stopped it, somehow, that once. Or at least, made it go to sleep for a while.

I wonder if she ever understood how important that was to me. I wish I had taken the time to tell her. A whispered "thank you" on a dark street hardly covers it.

That was the beginning, I think. The sleeping monster inside of me had been awakened. That all-consuming need to see revenge upon that hated man, my brother, began to corrupt even my noble moments. When I fought Gaara, I was protecting the village – and proving my own worth to myself. Even when I told myself I was being dutiful, or just protecting my loved ones, the truth was I really just wanted that power to consume me again. I _wanted_ the darkness to take over – not simply to protect my friends, as I tried to convince myself; but more so I could blame it for what I knew I would inevitably end up doing.

Despite all this, I still managed to pretend to ignore the issue for some time. During the rest of the chuunin exams, through the attack on Leaf, at the Sandaime Hokage's funeral – I pushed it to the back of my mind, pretended not to notice, acted like I didn't know. The mark had been sealed, it was taken care of, so nothing to worry about right?

...unless I didn't want it to be sealed. The sealing jutsu relied on my will for its power, Kakashi had said, moments before I lost consciousness. It was only as strong as my desire to maintain control of myself.

I'm ashamed to say that my desire to maintain my own free will was not always stronger than my desire to be strong – to protect my loved ones, to defeat Itachi, to defend the village. Any way you choose to look at it, I selfishly desired power. _I_ wanted to be the hero; _I_ wanted to be the one to rid the world of the menace that was my brother; _I_ wanted to keep those I loved safe, no matter what the cost of doing so.

I won't pretend to be noble, that I somehow acted solely out of friendship and love. Maybe there were some of those more honorable motivations mixed in there, but they were always tainted by my selfish, power-lusting nature. I don't know if I'll ever be certain how much of what I felt back then was real, and how much was fabricated to justify what I was about to do. Nonetheless, I talked myself into believing I was making this decision for the good of everyone.

I suppose the real deciding factor was Itachi's reappearance in my life. All of the buried rage and hate came pouring out of me, fueled by this foreign thing called friendship I was slowly coming to accept and appreciate. Once upon a time, my only thought would have been, "Itachi murdered my clan; I will kill him for doing that to me and my family." But now, now it had changed a little. "Itachi murdered my clan," I thought, "and now he's threatening the life of my best friend. I will kill him before he does it again." It was just as pathetic as before; obviously I had no chance of succeeding, and yet I was still selfishly demanding that I was the only one who could stop him. But still, something had changed in me. Naruto, my best friend; Sakura, my annoying but valued teammate; Kakashi, my perverted but incredibly wise Sensei: they had become important to me. Little by little, they began to matter.

I had something to protect. And thus, my resolve was stronger than ever.

So I tracked him down. Ignoring the warnings of older and wiser ninja than I, I chased after them. I would stop Itachi before he got to Naruto. I would prevent that man from once again ripping a precious person away from me before his time. I would not fail.

But of course I did. I was too late; Itachi had already found him; the Toad Sannin had saved Naruto when I could not. And this is where the selfish side of me reared its ugly head. _I_ was going to be the hero. _I_ was going to save him. _I_ was going to stop my brother. And...I lost it. Seeing the object of my hatred for so long, standing there and treating me with such scorn...

I went at him, surrendering once more to the terrifying power of that cursed seal...

But even then, it was not enough. What happened in Itachi's Tsukiyomi is one of those things I'm not willing to talk about, and probably never will be. Suffice it to say that old memories and feelings were dug up and thrown in my face. It was humiliating; it was spirit-crushing; it was _maddening_.

To be so utterly defeated, even after being willing to surrender my own will to the power of the curse seal if it meant victory – that is what decided it for me.

When I woke up in Konoha's hospital, the decision had already been made. Itachi had to die, and _nothing_ was going to stand in my way of achieving that goal. It's not like I said to myself, "I'm going to go join Orochimaru;" but I knew things couldn't stay the same.

A change had to be made.

And I was going to start by distancing myself as much as possible from the ones who had become precious to me in Leaf.

I directed my anger and frustration toward them. I shunned Sakura's caring attentions; I belittled Naruto and outright attacked him; I scorned Kakashi, using the jutsu he'd given to me in a way it was never meant to be used. I pushed them all away, and the fools just kept right on caring about me.

Looking back, Kakashi's little lecture almost changed my mind. At the time, I didn't actually have anywhere to go with my hatred anyway; Orochimaru had not really been presented as a viable option yet. He reminded me that Naruto and Sakura and Kakashi and even, to an extent, the others in the village, were precious to me. I think he was the only one who recognized my need to protect them, and how that was influencing my desire to end the threat to all I held dear that was my brother, Itachi. I think, if the further events of the night had not happened, if I had not given in to the power, if I had stayed... I think he would have helped me with my revenge. Or, at least, helped me get into a position to exact it. He doesn't miss much, the Copy-Nin. I think he knew I would want to do it alone.

But what has been cannot be changed. I did not stay. Orochimaru's henchmen appeared. They attacked me; they humiliated me; they lured out the anger and frustration leftover from the encounter with Itachi. And then they offered me a direction for that rage. Orochimaru would give me more power than the village could offer. He offered me revenge on a golden platter, seemingly asking nothing in return. I knew it would not come free – nothing worthwhile ever does – but I was willing to risk it. (Of course, I found out later that it was my body he required as payment. But I had already learned to surrender my self-control for his power; if I could achieve my goal, a body was certainly not too high a price to pay.)

And that was it. I chose to leave, all of Kakashi's words of wisdom drowned out by the sound of my own selfish desires. No part of me, in that moment, had any illusions about "protecting" anyone. It was all about me, and my past, and my brother. I will not feign innocence; it was disgustingly wrong of me.

Sakura was there, waiting for me. Loving me as she had always claimed to. Knowing now the real me. Looking at me with those knowing eyes. She knew I was going to leave and there was nothing she could do to stop me, this time. But she had to try anyway. And try she did, but I had already decided that, this time, I would not be startled out of it. I knew she would try, and I'd already prepared my response and fortified my defenses. Annoying, annoying, annoying. All to mask the way my heart was breaking for this girl who tried so hard to make me happy. I did not deserve this kind of love. She should find someone who deserved such devotion. Maybe Naruto.

But of course I said none of this. She (I) had to think I didn't care. She (I) had to let me (her) go.

Thank you for being precious to me. But you have to follow your own path now.

I ran. I took the pill, endured the pain, and awoke with more power than ever before.

And then _he_ came.

I'd known he would, of course. Like Sakura, like Kakashi, Naruto had to have his say. He tried to save me. They all did. But I couldn't be saved. I was broken in a way that none of them could fix – because I chose to be that way. Me, on my own. It wasn't Itachi's fault, or Orochimaru's, though I chose to blame at least my brother for it, in my refusal to take the blame for my own actions. Unlike Sakura, Naruto actually broke through my defenses, you see. He hit upon the truth that he was my friend, and revived the part of my I'd suppressed with anger and determination. I did not want to leave, but I had to! Why couldn't he understand that, I asked myself in frustration. I grew confused at the conflicting emotions within me; I didn't even know what I wanted anymore, and it made me angry. I let it take over just to avoid my own conscience. I could have fought it. I could have let him save me.

But no, my arrogant, stupid self refused to let my loyal, precious, loser of a friend persuade me from my course.

The rest is, as they say, history. I almost killed him; I meant to kill him. He should have been dead. When he didn't die, it just confused me more, and made me angrier. I surrendered completely to fear and rage, until I stood over his unconscious form beneath the sky of gray and realized what I had just done.

"Break those bonds," I had said. How arrogant and naive of me. Bonds cannot be broken. They merely change form. I said I was trying to break them, but I, in fact, was trying to change them to bonds of hate. If he hated me, I couldn't hurt him the same way I could if he loved me.

Did he hate me now? He must, surely he must – he and Sakura and Kakashi and anyone in the village with any sense had to hate him for this. The rage faded, leaving me empty and broken. I did not want this. I did not want to be hated. But I had to be. It was the only way to protect them from me.

But no, he refused to take the easy way out. They all did. It would have been so much easier if they'd just let themselves hate me, instead of chasing after me in that pathetic, beautiful way. It's so, so stupid; and so, so admirable. Maybe it's what I deserve, to have such unconditional love being continually offered to me and knowing that I can never again accept it. It seems a fitting punishment for someone like me.

I am almost certain that this account has not changed your opinion of me. I merely hope that you better understand the motives that drove me. Maybe it has softened your heart toward me. Perhaps you will only hate me more now. Your ridicule is just and deserved. Whatever the case, I will leave you to be the judge. Anyone who took the time to read and consider all that has given me more of a chance at fairness than I probably deserve. Thank you.

-Sasuke Uchiha

"_others have excuses  
i have my reasons why_"


End file.
